No wait that's wrong.
The Melancholy of Kyon.
Hmmm not right either.
The Melancholy of Yuki Nagato.
Hold on let's go from the beginning and I'll find the right title in there somewhere.
It begins with Kyon waking up to his alarm clock and Denwa-chan waking him up, whereupon he goes to school and gets involved in SOS Brigade activities with the rest of the Brigade members. Then he wakes up the next day and admirably tries to take a realistic approach before not as admirably flipping his shit. "That awkward moment when the knife wielding alien girl who tried to kill you walks into your class".
Admit it Kyon, as much as you though they were a total pain, you love Koizumi and Haruhi. Kyon Being Tsundere for the SOS Brigade The Movie.
So naturally upon discovering they're gone he goes off the deep end. "YOU HAVE A STARSHAPED MOLE RIGHT?" "YOU'RE AN ALIEN RIGHT?" Kyon Becomes A Crazy Creepy Stalker who Harasses and Assaults People The Movie. Understandably flipping your shit, but assaulting girls is not cool yo.
Suddenly the WaWaWa Wasuremono scene doesn't look so far fetched.
Yuki starts up Windows 95 (really guys what era do you live in come on the original series was at least 2006) even though Kyon pretty much just assaulted her, and allows him to use the computer. Nagato Yuki Becomes 9000x More Moe The Movie.
After leaving the Literary Clubroom Kyon heads back home where Denwa is playing with Shamisen. Then, Kyon Goes Off the Deep End and Talks to Cats The Movie.
Upon discovering that this world indeed is devoid of talking cats, he decides to call it a day, leading to Kyon-kun Alarm Clock The Movie. He wakes up to another day in the world where Haruhi doesn't exist and wonders if he prefers this one instead. Bitch you kissed her to go back to the old world with her or did you conveniently forget that you were endgame with her way before the other two girls and that guy. But he is seriously freaking out over a world where a willful girl grabbing him by his necktie doesn't exist. Kyon Cries Manly Tears The Movie.
He goes to the clubroom because he's just that lost and the clubroom is the last anchor he has. Blushing Nagato The Movie. (I'm not kidding guys that's like the whole movie) Instead of Mikuru messing with my OTP it's Yuki. What a dark horse. But gosh Yuki is so super moe. And inviting him in after he pretty much assaulted her alone in a clubroom. Because he once got a libary card for her. "Is she shy, timid or agressive - I just don't know anymore".
The tips of Yuki's ears are red when she blushes and holds onto Kyon's sleeve. Nagato Yuki Becomes 100000x More Moe the Movie.
The knife wielding yandere rides the elevator with Kyon on the way down and mentions his fetish for weirder girls. "I actually wanted to see Haruhi". Kyon Realizes He's Being Tsundere for Haruhi. Right after he eats dinner at a moe Yuki's house. The Movie.
He gets his wish later when he learns that she does exist, because Wasuremono-kun went to the same middle school as her. You can see the fact registering in his head, that important person. Leading to Kyon Flips Out and Assaults People The Movie. And then thanks them.
He waits for Haruhi in front of her school for an hour, and here's the thing, when he sees her, he's so full of emotion, for this long haired girl in another world who wore her hair shorter and grabbed him by the necktie, that his legs are weak. Kyon is Tsundere for Haruhi The Movie.
But this is a world where that girl didn't exist, which of course leads to Kyon Becomes A Crazy Psycho Stalker Tsundere for Haruhi The Movie. So crazy the school guard has to restrain him until he says what those words meant, those white chalk symbols he helped draw that day with a lonely girl. I'm here, he says to this lonely girl in front of him. I'm here. My name is John Smith. And there you have the sound of me screaming because Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody just became my favourite episode after Melancholy VI. So much emotional drama even the guard backs up.
Of course, this being Haruhi is Haruhi The Movie, Koizumi explains her interest in him as a mysterious transfer student, in the process once again helps Kyon discover that he and Haruhi are tsundere for each other. Koizumi is still Koizumi. And Kyon Gets Into a Taxi with Koizumi Yet Again The Movie.
To disguise them as North High students while they take a look at the clubroom, they get track suits. And I love that they get Koizumi to wear the one with the shorts. See this is why I can't take ItsukixHaruhi seriously even though the shipper in me already has much to work with. But I just can't give upon my endgame when this is the I Still Get Turned on by Ponytails The Movie. "Your charm increased 36%" Haruhi being Tsundere for Kyon The Movie.
Haruhi being Haruhi starts dragging people with her, pulling along Kyon and Koizumi, kidnapping Mikuru again because it was like that. It started off with Kyon's necktie and then pulling everyone else, pulling those days of trouble along. But wasn't it fun? The SOS Brigade is reunited in their clubroom and I get a lot of feels The Movie. Mikuru is still a doormat, Haruhi is still Haruhi, Koizumi is still suspicious in more ways than one, and Yuki is still Yuki despite being a million times more moe. God is in her clubroom and all is right with the world.
Kyon Opening His Eyes The Movie. And discovering that crescendo of music and that confident adult Mikuru once again getting all up my OTP that the temporal paradox as been solved. Dark Park Benches The Series. Like a crazy stalker, he calls out to that lonely back, saying I'll be there. Wait. I'll be there.
Adult!Mikuru and Kyon visit the only character game breaking enough in this world to help them solve the paradox and she gives them some sexy vampire bites and the true culprit behind everything. Honestly by the way Mikuru was acting I thought it would've been her or something. But this is Yuki Nagato is the Main Character The Movie. Alternative title: Data Aliens Dream of Electric Sheep The Movie.
Yuki proceeds to become moe, and we discover that despite the seemingly deceptive premise Kyon is indeed a harem lead because apparently Kyon is the Choosen One by All the Game Breaking Characters The Series.
He then has to make a choice. It's either this moe Yuki, having everyone live out ordinary lives devoid of aliens, time travelers and espers, a normal high school life where you hang out with your buddies afterschool, put off summer homework until the last day, maybe get a moe glasses girl to open up and go out with her, and you'll go on dates on Christmas Eve and watch the snow turn into rain. Or it's either a world where you sit in front of a short haired crazy girl with wild ideas and bright eyes who drags you by your necktie into the company of aliens, time travelers and espers, where you get your buddies to play baseball to avoid the end of the world, repeat your summer holiday 15,000 times, and eat homemade hotpot in the clubroom on Christmas Eve. Ready?
"What did I think of the incidents Haruhi caused, and of the various crazy scenarios I was thrust into? To hell with this. Enough already. Are you an idiot? I’ve had enough of you."
What follows is the cutest montage of tsundere for Haruhi in the history of ever, and Kyon goes off the deep end and talks to himself, goes furthur off the deep end and steps on himself, Kyon rejects one girl for the other. Ready? Don't ask something so obvious. I Get A Lot of Feels The Movie.
Knife Wielding Data Alien Literally Comes Out of Fucking No Where What the Actual Yandere and Blood Everywhere I Did Not See That Coming The Hell Ryoko. Then Yuki Is A Badass Character Maybe and Kyon dreams of Mikuru Threesomes and A Familiar Voice Calls Out to Him. So in other words, WTF The Movie.
Kyon Opens His Eyes The Movie. At this point I still have no frigging clue what just happened but Koizumi is here being his suspicious bisexual self and all seems right with the world. Then we have Haruhi Being The Cutest Ever Tsundere The Movie and we know all is right with the world. Hold on Koizumi I'd like to hear about her distressed face. And this being Kyon Being Tsundere for Haruhi The Movie, he softly caresses her sleeping face and I nearly die of cute. She gets up and does her adorable tsundere act and Kyon says "I'm sorry for making you worry."
List of responses he should've said but didn't: a) "I love you" b) "Let's go out" c)"I'm tsundere for you" d) "I get turned on by ponytails". Haruhi goes deredere red in the face and punishes him to 3 days of treating everyone at the cafe. List of demands she should've made but didn't: a) "Give me a kiss" b) "Hug me tightly" c)"Be tsundere for me" d) "Become Kyonko because I get turned on by ponytails too"
After some Mikuru moe sobbing, Haruhi being tsundere, Koizumi suspiciously smiling, Kyon heads up to the roof to see the last member of the SOS Brigade and it suddenly becomes Kyon Gets All the Girls The Movie. Yuki gets shining eyes, it starts snowing, she copies the scene from the first opening, wears an oversized hoodie, delivers every line in her usual tone and we discover that ah, Yuki was always moe.
It's a world where data aliens become moe and develop emotions over him. A world where everyone is Itsuki for Kyon. A world where moe meido time travelers and their hot office lady future counterparts are willing to have threesomes with him. A world where reality warping tsunderes are tsundere for him.
A world where he repeatedly gets woken up by his sister. A world where he breaks the fourth wall to ask us to wait while he joins his harem. A world where he tells the Data Overlord God not to fuck with his haremette because he has God as a haremette. A world he takes a knife by a yandere data alien and then travels back in time to save it. A world where he plays games with Itsuki, gets poured tea by Mikuru, fed crazy schemes by Haruhi while Yuki reads a book in the background. A world where he's dragged around, having to put his life on the line to save it, solving temporal paradoxes, dealing with aliens and time travelers and espers who all have a different agenda, trying to keep up with a willful God girl with trouble in her smile and mischief in her eyes.
And he wouldn't have it any other way.
Ready?
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